I decided to take a different route in this blog post, and record my mind’s raw and live reaction to the performance of one of my favorite pieces of poetry, “The View From Halfway Down” from an episode of the TV show Bojack Horseman. For context, here the main character, Bojack Horseman, is unconscious and on the brink of death, and this episode is one big dream he’s having. Several familiar faces are present, and take turns presenting something on a stage before walking through a dark, endless door and disappearing into the void. Bojack’s role model Secretariat is presenting an original poem, which is the following:

The weak breeze whispers nothing
The water screams sublime
His feet shift, teeter-totter
Deep breath, stand back, it’s time


Toes untouch the overpass
Soon he’s water bound
Eyes locked shut but peek to see
The view from halfway down


A little wind, a summer sun
A river rich and regal
A flood of fond endorphins
Brings a calm that knows no equal


You’re flying now
You see things much more clear than from the ground
It’s all okay, it would be
Were you not now halfway down


Thrash to break from gravity
What now could slow the drop
All I’d give for toes to touch
The safety back at top


But this is it, the deed is done
Silence drowns the sound
Before I leaped I should’ve seen
The view from halfway down


I really should’ve thought about
The view from halfway down
I wish I could’ve known about
The view from halfway down

The following are my thoughts as the performance plays out: Secretariat stands firmly on the stage as he reads the first two stanzas of his poem makes me think he is really confident in his decision and extremely sure of himself. Everybody claps, thinking the poem has ended, and the mysterious door appears under a spotlight. Secretariat yells “I’m not done, hold on … I’m not done.” I now wonder if this is a subtle hint to his true, deeper feelings of fear and worry. Could he be simply acting tough and brave in order to disguise his inner fear and regret? The door disappears and he resumes with a fond, somewhat happy tone as he reads the next 6 lines. The poem (which is describing his own suicide that occurred outside the dream) has reached the point where the author (Secretariat) has jumped off the bridge and is “flying now”. But both Secretariat and his poem’s tone take a dark and solemn turn as he says “It’s all okay, it would be / Were you not now halfway down.” This turn came because of his realization that “you see things much more clear than from the ground.” This is the initial indication of his revelation of the implications of his actions. I imagine what it must have looked like, what it must have felt like. He was falling – not flying – through the air, unable to reverse his actions. This jump would be his demise. After the tone switch, the door reappears with a loud, ominous booming noise, closer this time. This makes me connect the nearing of his metaphorical death in the dream to the nearing of the water and his actual death in real life. In the next stanza, he reveals his instant regret by saying “thrash to break from gravity / What now could slow the drop / All I’d give for toes to touch / The safety back at top”. This makes me think that no matter how much he regretted it, there was nothing he could do to stop the fall. He could not undo his actions. This also reminds me of the countless similar stories of suicide survivors who deeply regretted their attempts the instant they tried. I am also reminded of a fact I learned in AP Psychology, that most attempts are often help-seeking gestures. The door now appears even closer behind Secretariat, the ominous boom returning even louder. Secretariat interrupts the poem frantically to say “I change my mind, I don’t wanna – “ before being cut off. This is paralleled with how he probably felt in real life, realizing he was not ready to bring his life to an end. The door disappears again as he is encouraged to continue. He resumes the poem with heavy breaths. His acceptance of his premature fate is demonstrated in the poem by “But this is it, the deed is done”. I feel a pang of sadness as it all comes together in my mind. I have essentially experienced what a victim of suicide feels before their end, and it is excruciatingly sad and painful. The door reappears, directly behind Secretariat. His death is soon. He finally lets out three sentences, saying “Before I leaped I should’ve seen / The view from halfway down / I really should’ve thought about / The view from halfway down / I wish I could’ve known about / The view from halfway down” The repetition of these similar sentences highlights the main message of the poem and of Secretariat: wishing for death is never the answer. The distress in his voice and panicked repetition of these sentences make me realize how he definitely would not have gone through with his actions if he knew how serious the implications were. If he had thought, really thought, about the consequences of jumping, he would have continued living. But alas, he falls through the doorway, into the abyss, just as he had fallen to the ocean to meet his demise. The whole scene evoked feelings of heartbreak and sympathy for suicide survivors who have gone through that, as well as friends and families of individuals who were not so fortunate to fail their attempt or back down from it.