It’s 4:51 AM and I’m lying awake in my bed once again.
Yesterday, I watched The Boy (2016), which I thought was going to be ten times scarier than it actually was, and I can’t stop thinking about Brahms (heavy spoiler warning for the movie).
Brahms is weird and not just live-in-the-walls-and-watch-you-sleep weird or definitely-has-an-Oedipus-complex-due-his-upbringing-and-clingy-mother weird, but in a mysterious weird. He’s creepy, yes (especially the more you think about him actively stalking Greta), but he’s just weird.
First, he uses a literal glass doll to communicate. It’s a horrible idea not because he decides to use a doll (I mean to each their own. It’s not my business), but because he decides to use glass. And what does glass do? It breaks. So, when it breaks in the movie, it’s not that big of a shocker. He was born in the eighties and is shown playing with a plastic doll in photos of his childhood, so this man knew about plastic dolls and still chose glass. For what? The aesthetics? Do you know what I think is more aesthetically pleasing? Not having a smashed face. Additionally, you’re really trying to tell me that no one broke this glass doll over the span of twenty years of actively using it. I don’t buy it.
Second, I know this man smells. When we are first introduced to him—like the real him—he is covered in dirt, grime, and possibly grease based on the brown stain (God, I hope it’s grease). He looks crusty-dusty-musty, and I can’t even imagine how bad this man smells. At one point, I would’ve called the exterminator because I would’ve thought something was rotting in the house. He is visibly unhygienic, so I want to know how no one smelled this man in the house. He wouldn’t have a chance to clean himself if he didn’t want to get caught by Greta. Sure, he had that big ass bathtub in his “apartment area” (by the way, where is that area in the house? I feel like I would notice if there was a big space with nothing there in my house), but he would only be able to use it either 1) at the same as Greta and if they have a tanked water heater, which they probably do, he’s screwed or 2) he bathes at night, but that’s unpredictable in itself because of Greta possibly waking up. This house is old as fuck, so if you’re using water, you will hear the pipes and that’s a no go if he’s trying to be discreet.
Third, he’s dumb. Why did he cut Greta’s hair at the front? Why didn’t he use the back? She would’ve been a lot less likely to notice had he done it in the back. Also, While the voice-changing thing (I still want to know how he did that. Does he that good at impressions? Does he have a voice modulator? Surround sound?) was smart, it doesn’t work that well when I see you as a grown-ass man. A six-foot-plus dude wearing a creepy mask and then actively trying to talk to me with a child’s voice is just weird. Not creepy, just weird. Also, he can’t fight. Sure, he got Cole and a couple of punches in on Malcolm, but if a screwdriver is his demise, I can take him.
Finally, this man travels through walls. If he travels through the walls and eats the food from the freezer, which love that for him, why would you keep your head by the wall once you figured out what was going on (I’m looking at you Cole)? I already don’t like Cole (his relationship with Greta has so many issues, but that’s a different topic for a different day), so I’m already not rooting for this guy, but you’d think as a man in construction, he would have a little bit more common sense. Now, onto Greta and Malcolm. When you’re running from this guy who visibly shows that he knows this better than you because he’s showing up in random places, why are you locking yourselves in rooms, especially ones you know he can get into? Do you just want to die? And then you’re shocked when he shows up. Pick a struggle.
Ultimately, it wasn’t a good movie. There were many plot issues, and the camera didn’t need to move in every shot. Stinky wall boy has a lot to learn and, hopefully, one of them is how to bathe.